if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Randomize
