my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
