No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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