somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
