I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
