I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
