I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
