You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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