alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
sex in a hospital.. check
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
