I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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