Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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