Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
