Hippo gnu deer
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
