sooo how much is appropriate to spend on a vibrator? what if it is really legit looking?
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
