Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
You can't special order awesome
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
