so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
