I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize