if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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