Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Randomize
