dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
You can't just leave with hair like that
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
