You hook up with other guys, let him talk to other girls.
no
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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