Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
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