im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Randomize
