Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
