I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
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