the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
If I die, sorry about rent.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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