I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
