i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
