trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
