I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
