God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
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