So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
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