My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
