he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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