I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Randomize
