I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
