If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
