So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
