my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Randomize
