Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
