Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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