I'm eating all of the evidence.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
