her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
