just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
vagina is talking i cant
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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