A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
BRING THE BAGELS
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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