uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
