Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
