I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
