There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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