Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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