Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
