Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
