So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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