i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Randomize