Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Randomize
