My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Randomize
