apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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