3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Randomize
