This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Did I show you my penis last night?
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
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